First of all, right now you are the king of uncomfortable commercial wardrobe. How was channeling your inner Lady Gaga in a Meat Poncho and your inner Nicole Ritchie in Skinny Jeans?

 

It’s always fun getting to wear goofy wardrobe. The skinny jeans were women’s 27’s (which I rocked, ladies). I had to do that laying on the floor thing and use pliers on the zipper to get them on. It gives me new appreciation for the torture women put themselves through all for the privilege of attracting and then rejecting men.

 

The meat ponchos were made of latex, so they didn’t stink or anything. I can’t imagine how Gaga wore real meat, but she’s from deep space so I can’t imagine doing anything she does.

 

You are a musician as well as a comic; can you share with us the lyrics to the first song you wrote for your kids?

 

My wife still sings the “Shot Song” that I wrote when our daughter got her first shot. The music is kind of a 50’s do-wop thing.

 

I got a shot and I didn’t even cry. (bum-bum-bum-bum)

I got a shot and no tears came from my eyes (bum-bum-bum-bum)

I got a shot, man they put it in my thigh, but I didn’t cry, my-oh-my!

 

As a young boy, which cartoon or live kids’ TV character did you have a crush on?

 

I was always into the brunettes they put in the adventure shows: Linda Carter, Connie Selleca from Greatest American Hero, Patricia McPherson from Knight Rider, and the babe of all babes, Catherine Bach aka Daisy Duke. 100% serious, I Googled her recently just to be sure- she was GORGEOUS. It should be noted that my wife is 5’ 10”, leggy, brunette, gorgeous. Score!

 

Superfriends or Justice League and why?

 

F the Justice League. Superfriends were the best; campy, poorly written, shoddy animation. I can’t really remember it, except that there was the Legion of Doom with evil counterparts for all the friends, most of whom seemed flimsy at best. I was particularly fond of the “Superfriends Hour” which included the Wonder Twins, Zan and Jayna and their pet monkey Gleek. What a terrible name.

 

You have “Irish Twins”. How is that challenge going?

 

Irish Twins – I like that no one really knows exactly what the parameters of Irish Twins are. Some say 12 months, some 13, 11. Some people tell me I missed it by 2 weeks. Are these designations really that official? And why are they called Irish; because we must have been hammered to think that was a good idea?  People always hear the ages, do the math, then give me a little look like “You got it on!” Thanks for picturing me having sex!

 

With two little ones you’re more aware of logistics; what’s the schedule and who’s got who. They’re hot potatoes, and it takes a team to handle them. Having a partner makes things at least manageable and allows you both to retain some kind of personal autonomy. My hat comes off to anyone raising a child alone. That seems almost impossible to me.

 

I was listening to KCRW (LA’s best public radio) last night and I heard a story in a series called Unfictional. It’s actually two moving stories about “accidental parenting.” Definitely worth listening to: http://www.kcrw.com/media-player/mediaPlayer2.html?type=audio&id=uf110208the_accidental_paren

 

When did you first find yourself “in the weeds” as a parent and how did you recover?

 

I’ve only been a parent for about 18 months, so I don’t think that I’ve yet found myself in a situation that was spiraling out of control. I know my day will come, though; Category 5 China Syndrome meltdown at Target, when I’m going to demonstrate to the general public how not to parent. Can’t wait.

 

How has being a improviser helped you as a new parent?

 

Improvisation, as a technique, is a very valuable tool for an actor to have in his kit. It can get you out of jams (onstage and off), it helps you to be remembered (in casting rooms), it sometimes makes people think you’re brilliant (which you probably are not). When you’re an improviser, professional or not, there’s a certain mindset of readiness that you adopt. That is very valuable in life. Anything can become a game, a song, or an opportunity to play with language. A squeaky wheel on a grocery cart can be the source for a song that you and your child make up on the spot. A lunatic that you pass on your bike can be a character who’s speech you adopt in a game with your child. I’m not saying any of these games are going to be fabulous, but the kids don’t care.

 

Fill in the blank:

If my kids see the video of the time I had to ___________ they will never stop making fun of me.

 

Make money and provide for them by working in the God-forsaken moonscape that is show business. All right, it’s not THAT bad; as long as you’re a series regular on a network sitcom that runs 9 seasons. Just ask Larry Joe Campbell.

 

I want to be my wife for one day just so I could ___________________.

 

Have sex with my husband like a rhinoceros with a hormone imbalance. He deserves it.

 

If you could outsource any aspect of parenting (aspects of pregnancy and childbirth included), what would it be?

 

I could do without anything that requires me to be awake at 3:30 AM. It’s amazing how grumpy having to get out of bed makes me. It’s cold. I’m in my underwear, and the bed is so toasty. And that’s when I’m sober.

 

Our witching hour starts around 4:30 PM and I’m booked solid until about 7:30 with dinners, baths, bedtime, & cleanup. I don’t mind it too much, because my wife and I just get in the zone and deal. But it would be nice to have someone else to handle some of those tasks.

 

Also, hoisting a few beers with the lads is much more complicated now. It’s not the time out merrymaking that’s hard to come by, it’s getting up in the night for daddy detail when you’re drunk-sober and not in the mood to be anything but dead asleep. And of course your kids don’t care that you’re hung over the next day; they’re up and going by 7. There will be no more blissful lazy days spent watching Godfather II, eating junk food until 3 PM, unless my wife takes all the kids to see her family. And then I’m so overwhelmed that I almost become paralyzed with excitement.

 

The best feeling in the world is walking into a room and having your children greet you. And the second best feeling is leaving the place where your children are. It’s weird.

 

What would be your dream role?

 

As much as I would like to say, “Heroic feature film lead that shows my comedy and musical strengths, my chiseled abs, and demands that I repeatedly and vigorously make love to Scarlett Johansson,” I know that’s probably not going to happen. I would love to play the snarky lab geek role on some boring procedural cop show with a variation of the letters I, C, N, and S in the title. It would go on instant autopilot; we’d make 150 episodes; no one would ever know my name or snap unfortunate photos of me getting out of the pool in front of my private zoo.

 

That would be fine, although not all that creatively rewarding. I think I would be great in a TV comedy format, probably on my own show (HousePlace). But I do love performing live. I would love to book and perform standup and music on my own tour. To adoring crowds. Who buy tons of merch. With untraceable cash.

 

It’s a nutty business, and longevity is the key. All I really want to do is provide for my family and be able to raise my kids. And buy a Ferrari or two. That’s it.