A Walk on the Wild Side
I like to think I’ve been through a lot in life. In my early twenties, I got engaged, graduated college, got married, lost a baby, had a baby, got divorced. It was a busy 5 years. But I think these next 30 days may rival those 5 years. I turned 31 and I finally feel some sort of accomplishment. My ex-husband got remarried so our family unit continues to evolve. Batman Boy lost his first tooth, told me he doesn’t need me to walk him into daycare anymore because he’s “getting to be a big boy now, you know” and he started kindergarten. I’m getting married in a month. We also decided that planning and paying for a wedding on our own just wasn’t enough so we also spent the past 6 months finalizing and approving plans to add on to our home (the appraisal is this Wednesday, which entails a whole other never-ending to-do list of home improvements). The Ball and Chain is also building a “home away from home” at his farm (purely used for recreation) – he and his dad decided to build a mini-cabin from scratch – so his weekends (and some of mine) have been spent on endless trips to Menards and trips to the property to build this shack. We had to replace our furnace during one of the hottest weeks of the year. And the list goes on and on.
But most importantly, my first-ever bachelorette party was this weekend, and we did it up like it was 1999 (in 1999 I was an age that wasn’t quite legal to be in a bar but is probably a more appropriate age for a bachelorette party). I never had a bachelorette party the first time around. It was truly a night of debauchery, with a theme of “Last WILD night out!” which entailed everyone – my mother and
Now, for those that know me this may not be shocking but I planned my ensemble for a month. It also shouldn’t surprise you that I wore a silver and black satin leopard-print dress, sequined 4-inch heels, and had turquoise feathers put in my hair.
I quickly learned that partying like that now requires a minimum 2-day recovery period. I am also damn proud to tell you that we are STILL piecing together the whole night as bits and pieces of memory come back to me. I’m not typically one to brag about “going out and getting hammmmmmered” but this is just too good not to share. I knew it would be fun – but I never envisioned an all-girl version of The Hangover.
And now, the highlights:
- Multiple posters of my fiancé hanging around my friends house wearing nothing but the neon-green Borat thong. If you haven’t seen it, google it.
- Opening lingerie in front of my
- A strip-tease video by – you guessed it – Dustin wearing – you guessed it – the Borat thong. I also got to watch this with my
- The pimpest party bus ever, WITH stripper pole which I am not ashamed to say was where I spent most of my night
- My mother won “pin the penis on Dustin” and was awarded with a pair of brand-spanking-new purple handcuffs
- My mother won the downtown bar crawl scavenger hunt…and its not only because she was the only one playing. She came home with not only one but TWO PAIR of men’s boxer shorts, got a kiss from a bearded man (I have photographic evidence), and a business card from a truly unique business (a family tree company) among many, many other things.
- I'm told that at one point I was walking (not sliding) around the stripper pole and with each pass past my friend she would hold out a chicken wing and I'd take a bite.
- Upon arriving home from the bars my mother sister and one of my bridesmaids insisted on getting in our hot tub. I passed out, but the joke was on them. I never turned on the heater when I set everything up. When they got out and decided they were freezing, they broke into our Master bedroom using a bobby-pin (I wisely locked them all out when I passed out) and proceeded to pull out every long-sleeved t-shirt and sweatpants of Dustin’s they could find to sleep in
- Headed back to the hostesses house in the morning to discover 2 pink (and presumably, stolen) purses lying in her front lawn. Still trying to figure that one out….
I am sure there is more but key takeaways are these: we had more fun than the boys, I’m officially ready to get married (I’m convinced I would die if I ever pulled a night like that again), and I might even be ready to think about considering having more babies. Maybe that bachelorette party actually did prepare me to settle down. Stay tuned….
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