Now that Spring is in full bloom it’s time I turned my attention to something really important.  I’d like to take this opportunity to talk about the truest, most meaningful part of Easter.  The basket. I think I speak for moms everywhere when I say we are being cheated in the Easter basket department.Seriously.  Santa does a good job remembering us at Christmas.  Cupid usually comes through on Valentine’s Day (at least he knows well enough to go to my fave jewelry stores and read my wish lists), but that damn rabbit...he needs a firm talking to.  So, in the interest of keeping myself happy (and if Mama’s not happy, NOBODY’S happy!), I thought I’d go ahead and jot down some preferences I have about the contents of my Easter basket.  Listen up you dumb bunny or I just might go all “Fatal Attraction” on your cute little cotton tailed ass.

Top Five Things I’d like to Find in my Basket Easter Morning

1.    Chocolate.  Let’s just get that one out of the way right now.  I. Want.  Chocolate.  Preferably See’s Candy, nuts and chews.

2. Diamonds.  I know, it’s a reach, but hey—it’s worth a try.

3. Cash.  Show me the money.  That’s right, nothing says, “He has risen!” quite like a crisp hundred dollar bill.

4. Tickets to Vegas.  Jesus did love sinners, right?  So I can’t think of a better way to honor him and his whole rebirth thing than a trip to Sin City.

5. Gift certificate for a massage.  You know, to work out all the kinks I will have from hunting for Easter eggs.

This leads me to the Top Five Things I DON’T Want to Find in My Easter Basket

1. Eggs.  I don’t know who the hell thought that room temperature hard boiled eggs coated in artificial dye and whatever germs the kids had on their fingers when they put the artificial dye on the eggs would go great with chocolate, but they must be dragged out immediately and shot.  Eggs and chocolate do not mix, unless of course, the eggs are made out of chocolate.In which case, bring it.

2. Grass.  Let me be specific.  Plastic Easter grass.  The other kind is perfectly acceptable.  And just in case any kids are reading this (especially my own), I’m talking about fescue.  It’s hardy and drought tolerant.

3. Cute little plastic wind up chicks or bunnies. Let’s face it, we’ve all seen these things too many times to find them amusing any more.  Plus, they hurt like a mother when you step on them barefoot.

4. Peeps.  I realize they are cute and all, but they are a complete waste of sugar if you ask me. If you really want me to eat a Peep, dip the sucker in chocolate.

5. Brach’s anything.  Sorry Brach’s, but your jellybeans suck.  Any person with a single taste bud in their gob can tell you that in a taste test among Jelly Belly’s, Starburst Jelly Beans, dried cat turds, and Brach’s, Brach’s would lose every day of the week and twice on Sundays.  Ten times on Easter Sunday.

Here’s hoping that all your Easter dreams come true. And if not, then feel free to take your basket and whack the rabbit over the head with it.  I think it’s a safe bet that that’s what Jesus would do.

This month, I am highlighting a few comics that people probably haven't heard of and won't break the bank with tickets at a theater.

Michael Loftus
He has one of the best albums of marriage material since Bill Cosby as Himself. If you need something for a car trip or love comedy albums definitely pick You've Changed on iTunes or wherever. While the material I have seen him due is not graphic he does curse here and there.

 
Jimmy Pardo (Opening act for Conan and formerly of the Tonight Show with Conan O'brien)
If you like fast paced comedy. Jimmy Pardo is your guy. He does a lot of crowd work and improv and has one of the quickest comedic minds I have ever seen. Although now i hear he is doing more story telling I know it won't disappoint. If you like Don Rickles then Jimmy Pardo is a must see when he comes to your town.

Doug Benson
Doug Benson is known for being a humungous pot head, but I think he is a great comic. I am not a pot smoker and have seen him live a couple of times and really enjoyed myself, I also like his opening act Graham Elwood.

Kira Soltanovich
She has a great mix of material and spontaneous interaction with the crowd. Soltanovich immigrated with her family from Russia and grew up in San Francisco. She just had her first kid and will know doubt be talking about it in upcoming shows. You can catch every so often on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno as the voice of the photo booth in the Candid Camera like sketch she does for the show.

This morning I decided to make poached eggs for the kiddos. My girl is a big fan but my boy has not tried them. When B saw the bowl of egg, buttered toast and sausage, I could see the meltdown start. His jaw dropped and he stood next to his seat, staring at the dish, aghast that I considered its contents edible. Even as I explained my logic (it's all stuff you like, I didn't put in any weird stuff, nothing spicy, no onions and no tomatoes) to get him to eat it, I was kicking myself, convinced I had made a mistake. My mildly Aspergery son does not appreciate change like I do. Lots of kids don't like foods mixed together, even if they like each ingredient. Why would I so willfully screw up a lovely Saturday morning??

"Fine, I'll try it," he said to shut me up. As I made some guilt hot chocolate to go with disaster-breakfast, he started eating. He looked up at me after one bite and said, "I guess its okay. Can I have something else now?" There were a few more tears as I stood my ground. Gently, I explained, “THIS is breakfast, I'm not making anything else, would you like some ketchup on it?" After he ate more Disaster Breakfast Now with Simply Heinz Tomato Ketchup, he did admit to actually, liking it. I started to take the bowl away as he sipped his hot chocolate. If he were a terrier, I think I'd be missing a pinky. He ate every freaking bite.

Lessons learned?

1) We must be doing something right because my kids are both able to change gears and admit they were quick to judge. "You're right mom, I was wrong, this is good," means my kid is flexible and, I didn't push so hard that he had no choice but to stubbornly dig in to hating my breakfast offering.

 
2) Sticking to what I've said isn't me being stubborn- in this kind of situation. If I had reversed my decision and made him something else, not only would I be setting a bad precedent but I would be reinforcing his fear and saying, yes, change in simple routines and patterns is worthy of anxiety. And, in a way, I'd be telling him that I fear he's not able to cope with or overcome the anxiety that comes with change. And, I realized,

3))Maybe think twice before trying something new for breakfast if my goal is to have an incident-free Saturday morning, moron.

The air horn blared. Costumed runners sprinted away from the starting line, superheroes jockying with cowboys, clowns and spandex. Bone chilling wind whipped off Lake Michigan, lifting the 2010 Chicago Trick or Treat Trot banner and cracking it like a whip. We pulled blankets tighter around Simone, tucking them into the running stroller and making one last halfhearted attempt to get her to take the plastic cigar, her costume's piece de resistance.

A Quickie with Actor Neil Flynn

He was your favorite acerbic Janitor and now he is your favorite blue collar patriarch, but did you know this about Neil Flynn?

When did the acting bug really sink its teeth into you and how did your parents react?

I was always involved in the plays at school. I decided in college that I'd give it a try as a profession. There was no Plan B. My parents have always been very supportive. They took us to plays regularly when we were kids, and that fed my interest.

What moment solidified that the risk to pursue acting was the right move?

I guess it's clear now that I made a good choice, but I never doubted my decision to pursue acting. I never planned on making much money, I just hoped to pay my bills.

I'll remind you that I had no options that were at all interesting to me in other professions. 

You first became a household name with your role in Scrubs. Is there anything you miss about that character?

I'm pretty sure I'm not a household name, but thanks for pretending I am. Playing The Janitor was a great experience, and I had 8 years of fun. There's nothing I miss, but I really enjoyed the freedom I was given to improvise dialogue.

I think it's a rare situation where an actor is told, "If you think of something funnier, just say that too. Or instead. Do as many different versions of your line as you like. We'll sort it out in editing". Whatever the opposite of a "thankless role" is, that's what The Janitor was.

Speaking of janitors, The Janitor made an appearance in A Very Muppet Christmas Movie. Many of us grew up watching The Muppet Show. Was this a boyhood fantasy come true?

I watched the Muppets as a kid, and never dreamed I'd "meet" them. That's how it felt, like you were meeting someone you'd known your whole life. The puppeteers seemed invisible. Everyone spoke directly to the Muppets, as if they were real. I have a framed picture of the cast gathered around Kermit and Miss Piggy. I also have a picture of me with Dick Van Dyke, who did an episode of the show. Now that was a boyhood fantasy come true.

As Lindsey Lohan’s dad in Mean Girls, should we blame your parenting skills for what has happened to her since?

Put all the blame on me. I'll try to do better with my current pretend children.

Congrats on The Middle being renewed through next season! It is such a hilarious and incredibly accurate portrayal of family life. Why do you think this show resonates with such a large audience?

A show that centers on a family, if done well, presents an audience with relatable characters and situations. The writers do a great job of making the Heck family seem like people you know, or even people you are. The show is popular in other countries, too, and I think it's because the family unit is recognizable to everyone.

Where did you draw from to create the character Mike Heck?

I haven't consciously been influenced by anyone in playing Mike Heck. My own dad probably influenced me some. There have been plenty of solid TV dads through the years, though I can't think of many that were as blue-collar. John Goodman on "Roseanne" comes to mind.

The actors who play your children on The Middle are extremely talented. How do you keep a straight face?

The young actors on the show are a huge factor in the show's success. I'm happy to say that in addition to being good actors, they are all smart, good-hearted, down-to-earth people as well. There's no trouble of any kind from any of them, ever. Maybe I can give myself credit for that, as one of their fake parents. More likely the credit goes to their actual parents.

If these were your actual children, which one would be the apple that didn’t fall far from the tree?

None of the kids' characters remind me much of me, but maybe you could pick a quality from each that I shared at a young age. Like Brick, I got good grades. Like Sue, I hoped to find a group or activity that I could identify with, or that would identify me (I ran for class office in 7th grade even though I had no chance of winning. I just wanted to be something). And like Axl, I was sometimes an idiot.

Our blogger T Daddy, who has a bit of a crush on Patricia Heaton, asks, “How has your chemistry and relationship developed over the course of the show?”

I love working with Patty, both when we're doing scenes together and when we're hanging around between shots. I think we have a nice chemistry on-camera, and maybe it's getting better as we continue to be friends in real life.

What has been your favorite episode thus far?

I have a hard time remembering past episodes because we're always working on a new one. They kind of all blend together in my mind. I liked "Hecks on a Plane". I like the one we're shooting now, "The Prom".

I like individual scenes where the family is all together, like in the car, or around the table. Even though those take the longest to shoot.

Can you give us any hints of what to expect from the Hecks in the near future?

What's to come? More hilarity, that's what! Let's see...Mother's Day drama, prom-date drama, dealing with a phobia drama. Only not drama, comedy. Hilarity, even!

I am as sentimental as the next guy. Wait, that’s a load of shit. I’m not, but I can appreciate moments when normal people would be sentimental and because of that I celebrate and photograph those moments for my family with great zeal. On rare occasions, like say last Saturday, I am able to stop documenting these family album highlights and actually participate in them. 

Now that I have been relegated to cycle/spin classes by my back doctor, I had the brilliant idea that an actual bike ride on a real street would be stimulating. Since Rafael is old enough to handle herself on a bike, albeit one with training wheels, I thought it was time to take our first bike ride together.

I imagined our trip: smiling as we peddled under canopies of budding trees, laughing as we stopped to blow dandelions in the wind, cheering as we raced each other to the next mailbox. Look at her; she is my daughter. I gave birth to her and now we are biking together. I am an amazing mother. My idea was fantastic. This is probably how men feel just before their body decides to pass a kidney stone.

It took 20 minutes for Rafael to dress. First, she sported her fanciest dress and put on zip up black leather boots. Even as I type this I have no fucking clue why she chose that ensemble. I just stood there, mouth agape, staring, “Honey, uh. (long pause) Why are you wearing that? How can you bike in leather boots? 

“Ughmph!” she bleated, rolled her eyes, and returned to her room.

“Maybe you should go without her,” my husband said. The man who insisted we move his bike, the bike I was about to ride, four times in the past two years, despite its lack of pedals. The bike that stood next to our past two Christmas trees in our shitty, temporary, garage-less apartments before we found a home.

“No, we’re doing this,” I said. 

Rafael emerged wearing a skirt, sweater, socks pulled up to her knees and sandals.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, honey! We’re going bike riding! Get a pair of shorts, a T shirt and some sneakers! 

“Uuuuuughmph!”

I seriously think an alien embodied her for those 20 minutes because she has never been so fashionably disconnected. I would expect this from her sister who thinks the appropriate attire for any occasion is a tiara and pink play heels.

Helmet on. Bikes ready. We head down the driveway. By then end of our street she whines, “My legs hurt.” Sonuvabitch. At this point I was more paddling a canoe than riding a bike. My legs hadn’t touched the pedals since we passed our mailbox. I knew then that physically it was not going to be much of a workout. Mentally, it was going to be exhausting.

“We can head back,” I said.

“No, I can do it,” she replied. I doubted it, but I hate a quitter and was encouraged that she wanted to stay.

As we turned down the next street, I was delighted to see that it slopped downhill.

“Hey, now you can rest your legs and coast,” I said.

Mid-hill she slammed on her breaks forcing me to such an abrupt stop that I had to use everything in my power to keep my body from launching over my handle bars.

“Why did you stop?!?” I said, fighting a cussing tirade.

“I was thinking of something,” she said. Sonuvabitch.

“Honey, don’t do that when someone is following you. If you need to stop, yell at me so I can be ready. Okay?”

She peddled on but continued to look back at me which made her bike veer into the line of oncoming traffic, if any cars were to come. For the rest of our tour my voice droned:

“Stay to the right.”

“Honey, I know how to ride a bike. You don’t have to keep checking on me.”

“Stay to the right.”

“Just keep your eyes on the road.”

“Okay, seriously, stay to the right.”

“Honey, I know how to ride a bike. You don’t have to… Why are you stopping!?!?”

We almost wrecked. Game over. I am not ready for “Level 2” as my kids say. Why is this so difficult? If I can’t make it a mile around our neighborhood with her how am I going to teach her to ride a bike without training wheels? Or tie her shoes? Or understand geometry? This shit is hard. I want to go home and hide in a private bath.

But then I remember breastfeeding seemed impossible on paper, so did potty training, and I handled those like a champ. Hell, even giving birth was a complete mind fuck at the time as were more than half of the things I have done in my life pre and post kids. Alright, I can do this. She ismy daughter. I am an amazing mother. Kidney stone do eventually pass. 

I’m going to need some elbow pads and perhaps a helmet.

I walked outside this morning, and to my delight, not only was the sky blue and the sun shining brightly, but also my snow crocus had bloomed, my tulips, daffodils and other perennials are growing steadily, and my magnolia and dogwood trees are getting ready to blossom. I wandered further into my yard to see a beautiful robin pulling worms out of my flowerbed, and the doves that spend summers roosting on my garage roof were cooing a lovely tune.  I didn’t think anything could ruin this perfect vision of Spring.  That is until I happened upon Thumper and his mate going at it like, well, rabbits!

Just to be clear, this month’s blog is not about rabbit porn, but seeing Thumper going at it got me thinking about the birds and the bees and how most parents really screw up giving this chat to their kids.  I don’t know what some parents are so afraid of—in this day and age, honesty and open-mindedness are your friends, and if you don’t talk to your kids about sex, their friends are more than happy to fill in the gaps!  For those of you who have seen Clerks II (recall the Pillowpants scene), you know how crazy parents can be about giving the sex talk and keeping their kids from becoming a statistic.  Here are a few parental blunders in the birds and bees department that will make everyone think twice.

My father-in-law is a former drill sergeant and presumably, he must have had to say something about sex and diseases to his men, especially during his time serving in Korea where buying sex is often a favorite past time of G.I.’s stationed there.  However, the Sarge’s ability to frankly discuss herpes and how one can catch it did not extend to his own kids.  My husband was told “stay away from them big-tittied women, and you’ll be alright” when his dad dropped him off at college for the first time. Thankfully, like most people, by that time, my hubby had learned what he needed to know from other resources.

A friend of mine from junior high reached her sexual peak long before the rest of us.  Despite a sex talk at school (you know, where they usher the boys and girls to separate rooms and show pictures of awful STD cases and how to chart your period), she was never given information about birth control.  Her mother simply told her that is she was going to do it, she had to “wrap it up,” and my uninformed friend assumed that meant wrapping with anything, including Saran Wrap.  Needless to say, at 14, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. 

A super-conservative, super-religious acquaintance of mine in high school (I can’t really say she was a friend because she was too uptight for me) was given the sex talk from hell.  Not only was she told that sex should not be pleasurable for the woman because a woman’s sole role in sex was to please the man and get pregnant, but she was also told that she should not wear tampons because they might break her hymen, which would make her husband love her less if he couldn’t break it on their wedding night.

While these situations are pretty sad, there are some hysterical moments in the birds and bees department besides Eugene Levy pulling out porno magazines in American Pie. In real life, the sex talk can actually be pretty funny and ironic.  My neighbor growing up got the sex talk after she told her mother she was pregnant.  A friend from college was actually sat down by her mother the morning of her wedding and told what she was expected to do that night (ala My Big Fat Greek Wedding style).  Perhaps the funniest sex talk, at least in my opinion, was the one my friend got in high school—his dad told him “Son, keep soft and in your pants, and you’ll be fine.”

Spring is almost here, animals are starting to mate and your kids will probably see it happen. Unless you want your children blogging about you or you want to pay for therapy for the next ten years, I recommend good old fashioned honesty when it comes to the birds and the bees.  If you’re kid asks what sex is, don’t just give them the when a man and woman love each other bull—discuss penises and vaginas and how they work too.  Don’t pop in a video, don’t go to a website, and don’t do what the above mentioned parents did.  Just answer your kids questions as they arise in an honest, age-appropriate manner, and you won’t have to wonder where all the Saran Wrap disappeared to!